Indiana... Dafuq?! (Or... You pissed off mama bear)

So I've been reading more into this Indiana legislature BS that they are trying to legally allow discrimination against LGBTQ individuals reserving that right to businesses, etc. Come on now, people. Who in the hell is in charge there? Last I checked, LGBTQ people are also human... Not subhuman, not second class citizens, not the scum of the earth... Every last one of them is human. Deserving of every right and privilege any other human is entitled to, straight or otherwise. 

So what the state of Indiana is saying is it's okay to refuse my son access to enter a place of business because he might prefer "typically female" things. He might want to wear a tutu and go grab an ice cream cone, but because he is a little boy dressing in girl clothing, he may be viewed as transgender, and therefore said hypothetical ice cream establishment could refuse to serve my son a damn ice cream cone. This is NOT okay. Are they going to check everyone's genitals at the door to see if they are the gender they are dressing and portraying themselves to be? Are they going to ask a single woman entering an establishment if she's a lesbian, or a man if he's bi, and then tell them their money is no good there? What if a person presents as androgynous? Then what? They opened themselves a Pandora's Box of BS, because the LGBTQ community encompasses a HUGE variety of individuals who are just that-- individuals. Many of them don't want to be labeled as a specific gender, or identify with the gender they were born as, or don't want to be "just gay" or "just bi" but perhaps they are pansexual... And all of that is okay! Sure, the LGBTQ community is confusing for many, still taboo to some, and others just don't pay any mind to it altogether. Fine, that's their prerogative. But for the humans who belong to this amazing community, and their allies/friends/family/supportive people who are doing their best to educate themselves and embrace all of these individuals, this is a BIG deal. All of the people of our history who stood up for equal rights, whether it be a racial issue or a gender issue, have basically done so for naught. Because some hillbilly, redneck, uneducated bumpkins think it's okay to let a business tell a human that because they love someone of their same gender, or they don't dress according to what's in their pants, that they don't belong there... And I am reserving my right to address whomever passed this legislation as the aforementioned insults.

Mama bear ain't happy.

I proudly support ALL of my children, whatever they decide they want to do or be (obviously as long as it involves being a productive, respectable member of society). I support the LGBTQ community wholeheartedly. For my friends or family who do not support that, I will respect your decision, but education is also important, and if you wish to turn a blind eye to learning, you're turning a blind eye to my son, to me, to my family.

Praise Jesus! (Or "sweet baby Cheez-Its!")

So, as the angry velociraptor continues to wage war against my ladybits, I decided to treat myself to some Ben & Jerry's therapy this evening, namely a delicious concoction called "Peanut Butter Jam Session". Holy wowza. It tastes JUST like a PB&J sammich, it was so delicious and amazing. My eyes actually rolled to the back of my head upon that first bite, it was so good. Comforting, delicious, and hit the spot. I am pretty sure I had some kind of hallucinogenic out of body experience at one point, that's how good it was. I don't often get this enthused about ice cream, but damn if that wasn't freakin' tasty!

And to the title of this blog post... I was tucking the boys into bed tonight, and Jack requested to say his own version of prayers. (Ordinarily I say and he repeats, but he wanted to be in charge, so I let him go.) Out of that sweet little boy's mouth came "Now I lay me down to sleep, I having my daily bread, and please keep Daddy safe... Amen!" It took a lot for me to keep my composure, because he combined each separate prayer we usually say into a much condensed Readers' Digest-ish version, and it was beyond cute. Tyler has taken to wanting to pray by himself on his own, and Noah doesn't really have much interest in praying, and I don't force him to, but he did repeat some of the prayers tonight.

We started taking the boys to church around the end of 2013. We found a pretty comfortable, Christian-based church that we felt was a good fit for us, and have been attending in spurts ever since. I say spurts because often times things come up and we can't make it (my work schedule, or visiting with my parents, or whatever else) but it's a comforting place to go. I enjoy the sense of community, they have a great children's ministry, and being able to sit during the service and drink a cup of coffee and munch on donuts are a nice added bonus. I grew up Catholic, so going from very strict, repetitive masses to something of a religious culture shock took me a while to get used to. Can I still believe in God even though I'm "religion hopping"? Does it have the same effect? Am I going to hell? Is this the wrong choice?

It doesn't really matter, honestly... I am far from a Bible thumper... In fact, I am probably not really that great at this Christianity thing (I don't think I was much of a model Catholic, to tell you the truth). I've been mainly going because our church now is pretty comforting, and I love what they have to offer and I think it's important for the boys to be raised with a sense of community and comfort and a God... If they choose later in life to go a different path, not believe, or whatever, that's fine too, but partaking in a community with good morals and values and being accepted, loved, and valued (with some Biblical principles in there) certainly won't hurt them.

The religion argument can go around and around for days. I do believe in evolution. I also believe in a higher being. I don't know exactly what that means, but I don't feel likes  I should be pinned to one or the other... Same as in politics (which I don't even want to discuss... But if I like one set of ideals but not all on one side, and same for the other, do I HAVE to choose a label or a side?? I don't wanna!) So for now, I can respect any and all of my friends and family members' choices in beliefs... Whatever tickles your fancy, go for it... If you don't believe in God and think the Bible is a silly old book, that's your every right and it's cool. But I just want to raise my kiddos to eventually be loving, caring, respectable young men, and taking them to church is not a bad way to do it, I think.

I just wish it weren't so awkward and uncomfortable to discuss sometimes.

Until tomorrow... I end this highly unorganized and random post. I should have taken a Tylenol before I started writing this...

Platforms. (Not necessarily the shoes.)

So I am taking a bit of a Facebook hiatus these days (with the exception of logging in today to shamelessly re-promote my blog again; but I'll be deactivating my page in the morning at some point). I initially did this because I was just downright PMSing and wanted to avoid all that annoyed the piss out of me. Then decided to put a little thought into what exactly it was that was annoying said piss out of me. For starters, it just so happened to be the week that "50 Shades of Gray" was released in theaters. Which brought on an abundance of repetitive "OMG I can't wait to go see 50 Shades tonight with all of man girrrrllllzzzz!!!!" posts.... Then followed by the oppositional "but 50 Shades promotes and exploits abusive relationships and we should all boycott it" posts... How I wanted to slap every last person posting all of these things just based on the massive clog in my newsfeed of dozens upon dozens of lust-driven, fantasy-obsessed, needing-or-desperately-hoping-to-get-laid women. Sure, I could have very easily just "hidden them from my newsfeed" or not logged into Facebook and let the hype die down after a few days, but I have a Facebook problem ("hi, I'm Amanda, and I'm addicted to Facebook!" *sheepish wave*) and if I did hide all of these posts, there goes a giant chunk of my newsfeed. And I won't remember to un-hide all of these people. So I scrolled on past, silently pleading with whomever is inherently in tune with my thoughts to make it staaaaaaahp.

But then... Forgive me if my sense of timing is somewhat skewed... The whole vaccination and measles debates were popping up left and right. Boom, in my face, the sides pitted against each other waging a war on who is right or wrong when it comes to public and private health matters. I once again scrolled past, silently muttering to myself the whole time about how "are these people freaking SERIOUS?!" and hoping something else would soon become trendy and get this nonsense out of my newsfeed for me.

And don't get me started on that cutesy Home Depot music video that was slightly viral for a time (for those out of the loop of things Depot-related-- HD has a contest among its employees similar to an American Idol/America's Got Talent-esque search for the next biggest Home Depot star... A group of employees made a music video with a medley of Disney songs quite creatively rearranged to be more HD-centrically themed... I thought it was pretty well produced and entertaining!) but in the days following the video being released, I had the link to the video posted repeatedly to my wall by well-meaning friends... I realize that any one of you reading this may have, in fact, been a poster of said video to my wall, and trust me when I say I am not angry and it isn't my intent to come off as a complete bitch... But when you've seen it a zillion and a half times  and then everyone and their mom keeps sharing it with you, especially during the week before "Shark Week in my Pants" week, you start to zone out and run out of ways to say "OMG awesome that's sooooo amazing!" (I'm sure this can be perceived and condescending and/or ungrateful, borderline uppity bitch status... So again I apologize, and blame it on the undesirable flood of hormones and whatnot).

And it had to look inside myself. People use Facebook as their platform of self expression for whatever they happen to be into or passionate about. And that's a good reason for one to use Facebook. And who am I to get all pissy about what Joe Schmoe posts on his page over and over again, regardless of how much it grates on me every time I scroll through my newsfeed and see the 182746462th link to some lame ass article I just saw Silly Sally, Leslie Loudmouth, and Repeat Pete post the same day...? So away from Facebook I go, because I just simply cannot take looking at another sweaty selfie someone took of themselves after they just got out of the gym (or a photo of the calories they burned on their Polar watch, or a screen shot of their Fitbit stats, or a pic of what you just ate). Have I been guilty of these things myself on my own Facebook page? Oh abso-freakin-lutely. See my hand raised up high owning up to being a participant in the things that now currently annoy me the most? Yup, I did it. And I'm sure I have annoyed a person (or many) with my feed as well.

So I walk away and leave the feeds to be clogged with more trending topics, viral videos, and chat of things that people really ought to discuss during a coffee outing with a friend, a dinner with their family, putting their phones down and actually looking each other in the face and having a real conversation, raw and not premeditated, not hiding behind a palm sized screen. I've been addicted to the Facebook propaganda for far too long and I hope to change that in myself and to be human and interact with other real, actual people. Blogging may be a tiny bit of a cop out as I can get my thoughts across to many in a one stop shop, but I'm no longer falling a sucker to a life sucking feed of digital gossip. I'll return to Facebook here and there, but it's been quite liberating and less stressful to have been away for even just as little as a week so far. 

So I dare you to have coffee with someone this week (or another beverage of choice if you aren't a coffee drinker). Have a real conversation with a human. More than that, step outside of your comfort zone and do so with someone you may only be just acquainted with. (Actually, there's a guy who embarked on a sort of mission similar to this... He has a blog http://coffeewithastranger.blogspot.com where he went for coffee with many, many strangers and blogged about the conversations he had with them... I find this crazy fascinating!) if only more people did things like this. I may challenge myself to do something along his line of thinking! Til next blog....

Social norms (or "what was I thinking?")

I have avoided... Er, neglected this blog for quite some time now. Mostly I've either written things down in actual notebooks, or jotted a quick thought on paper, realized I didn't want to see it again, and quickly tossed it.

So I sit here on my couch with one of those funky pore strips glued to my schnoz, reveling in the total silence of my house. These moments are rare, but much welcome. Okay scratch all that, let's go back, I'm really not relaxing much at all; in fact, it feels like an angry velociraptor has been unleashed in my ladyparts. (If that's TMI for you, too bad, this is my blog, I'll describe my internal struggles as I see fit.) Just thought I'd set the scene for this "return of the blog" endeavor.

Anyway... I should probably touch base on Ty Guy since he was the last subject of my last public blog post. Tyler has been doing okay in kindergarten thus far. I'm not going to sugar coat it or lie and say "OMG my baby is simply STELLAR and a model student and he is having just the most wonderful year EVER" and gush and gush. Actually, it's been quite the roller coaster. I'll spare a lot of details for now because from September up until now, we have been down a multitude of avenues with regards to therapists, doctors, medications, frequent contact with his teachers, and I could go on. As of right now, he is socially doing pretty well for a kid of his character. He has plenty of friends, has been invited to classmates' birthday parties, and chats a lot about his classmates. Academically, he has his challenges. He does receive speech therapy still, and additional reading and math help outside of regular classroom time, but he has had some difficult days here and there. He tried to walk out of the school building in the middle of the day a few weeks back, which is a HUGE safety concern. Some days he shuts down and doesn't want to participate and will do what he can to divert focus from his lack of interest to a poor choice in behavior. Tomorrow we follow up with his pediatrician who initially started him on a low dosage of Adderall (that has been adjusted a couple times now) to see what else we can try or do as far as helping Tyler to be successful in school. I want him to do well (what parent doesn't want their child to succeed?) so we continue his journey and trial and error.

As far as the "transgender" issue... We still don't 100% know if Tyler is or is not. I have been going with the flow with him; he still loves and enjoys playing with typical girl toys. In fact, that was a majority of what his Christmas gifts consisted of and he couldn't have been happier. He asked us not to cut his hair so it has been growing out, but he still continues to wear typical boy clothing. Some days he has worn a tutu to school but because of his behavior issues, he has to earn that privilege. Many would argue that it might be cruel to use control over what he can and cannot wear as manipulation to promote more positive behavior choices, but for us it is working. Not only that, but although the kids in his class have been accepting of him, there are older kids in the school who do not accept a little boy in a tutu (I witnessed this when I ate lunch at school with Tyler a couple months ago) and so as we slowly try to make progress in teaching tolerance to these young kids, this is our best option right now. He has not expressed much further interest or desire to fully transition to being a girl, so again, we take it day by day and go with the flow and adjust things accordingly.

Jack and Noah are in the full swing of potty training! They have been doing pretty well, only a few accidents here and there but they have caught on and we are down to a Pull-Up at bedtime. Diaper days will pretty soon be a thing of the past... Although it's bittersweet to think I will never have "babies" again, I do look forward to this next chapter of our lives. Being able to do more things, trying them out in preschool again this coming fall, playing sports or doing other activities... It will be nice to have that little bit of added freedom. They are smart little cookies and listening to the two of them talk to each other during the day while Tyler is in school is quite entertaining! They have insanely different personalities but their twin dynamic is something else. I really enjoy watching them grow together.

As for me... Still at the Home Depot, but I started a new position this week. I am no longer working late nights on the freight team, but instead I have "gone toward the light" and I'm the store's "project specialist". (I have also been doing air quotes anytime anyone asks me about my new job... So I'm sure I either look like a dweeb, or perhaps it's a conversation enhancer and provides a smidgen of humor to my description.) Admittedly, I'm a bit intimidated by the aspects of my job right now (I've been doing oodles of computer training classes the past few days) but I think I will be able to hack it. It has already been nice to see and talk to more of my coworkers and get to know something different about the store besides working in the dark and most of the time, alone. I didn't honestly think I'd do much more other than freight or even that I'd be here a year later (yes, it's already been a whole year... 365 days at the Depot!) but it has been good.

So much for my blog post title (that I can't figure out how to edit) but this was more of an update than what I initially intended to ramble about. I guess I'll do that tomorrow. I have deactivated my Facebook account for the time being (I'll elaborate on that in my next post) so this blog, my Instagram, and Snapchat account are my social networking outlets for the time being. I need sleep; the velociraptor has drained me of my life force. Til later, I bid thee all adieu.

Sharing Tyler's Story

It's been an awfully long time since I've blogged. I used to be obsessed with blogging, sometimes multiple times a day, from the time I was about 14-15 years old. Haven't had much time lately, with being busy with the kids and getting us all involved in a lot of different activities while Jon is gone, but today I felt compelled to write something that is close to my heart and is a big issue to me and most importantly, to my family at this time.

First and foremost, I believe education is INSANELY important. It's okay to agree to disagree, but I feel that it's best done with an open mind and being educated on the subject at hand. For example, some people choose to follow a religion while others don't. That's perfectly fine. Some people are Democrats, some Republicans, some whatever they choose to support. BUT... if you don't educate yourself and try to see all angles of a subject before forming your opinion, and basing that opinion off of one side to breed hate and distaste, you come off as a closed-minded bigot. Those are my feelings, maybe others share the same sentiments, but that is how I feel.

So... without further ado. Here we go.

It is no secret to many that Tyler loves all things girl-related. He loves to play with girl toys, to dress up as a princess, to watch girl cartoons. This is nothing new; he has been this way since approximately 2 years old. Around the age of 2 or so, he started an odd sort of play habit of taking a napkin or tissue and holding it in his fist and smoothing the rest of it over the back of his hand, and would say that was his "princess". He would occupy himself with his tissue princesses for hours, and I brushed it aside as "just a phase". Then he would ask for princess or girl toys. We obliged him with a Barbie (but also bought him GI Joes to even things out) and again, didn't make a big deal out of it. For his 3rd, 4th, and 5th birthdays, he asked every year to have a princess themed party. For Halloween, each of those years, he said he wanted to dress up as a princess. Family and friends said "oh, it's just a phase... I know someone's kid who was the same way and he grew out of it, don't worry!" And so we brushed it aside, some family members going as far to tell Tyler to "cut it out" and to "man up".

But something didn't sit right with me.

I would continue to oblige Tyler occasionally with a girl toy here and there (a small pony, or another Barbie, since his twin brothers would rip the heads off any action figure/doll they came across). He said on more than one occasion that he wanted to be a girl or a princess. I started to think "maybe this isn't a phase... this has been going on for YEARS. I've never heard of a phase that lasts for YEARS." It was this past week that a friend of mine on Facebook shared the video of a little boy named Ryland who is a FtM (female to male) transgendered child. The video just blew all the doors open in my mind and made me see more clearly that this could be Tyler, only MtF (male to female). Ryland and his family were featured on Good Morning America this week. I reached out and joined a private Facebook group for parents of transgendered children to ask questions, get answers, and most importantly, seek support from others who had maybe been down a similar path as mine. I dove into research and poured over articles and websites devoted to children with similar traits to Tyler.

I have scheduled a consult with his pediatrician for later this month for a behavioral evaluation and we will go from there. I am not an expert, so I hope I can be pointed in the right direction for resources and find more strength and courage for myself and Tyler.

Let me just say, though, that this has not been easy for me. Some people are of the opinion that I'm forcing this upon Tyler (I'm not; in fact, I'm one of the least girly people I know! I grew up very much tomboy-ish, and played little league where I was the only girl on the team). It's not easy being a parent and having no knowledge of this type of scenario, what to do, worrying about what other people will think of your child or scrutinizing your parenting techniques and making comments or stares. But at the end of the day, I figured screw it, Tyler's happiness is what is most important. And I'm his mother, and I will love him fiercely forever, whatever gender he chooses to identify with and no matter what clothes he wears or toys he plays with. So I've resolved myself to not caring about others' opinions.

Tyler graduated preschool tonight. He wanted to wear a dress to his graduation ceremony, and begged me all day to get one. When I picked him up from school this afternoon his teachers were all in support of him if he did choose to wear a dress. So off to Target we went, and I walked in with so many mixed feelings. Some sadness and confusion, worry, and hesitation... but also a little bit of excitement, because I've never gotten to go "girly shopping" for a little girl before, so I was looking forward to it a tiny bit. Tyler chose a pinkish-yellow dress covered in flowers (because it was beautiful, he said) and we chose a pair of brown sandals with a flower on each foot. He wore that dress proudly to his graduation ceremony, and twirled happily in it. The smile on his face made my heart absolutely melt. I was worried that I'd have to put on the mama bear defence at the ceremony, but as it turns out, I was so focused on Tyler and how proud I was of him that I didn't notice whether or not anyone made comments or gave him looks. I was bawling like a baby and beaming with pride. When the ceremony was over and I went to get him from the back room, his teachers told me they were so proud of him and let me know I was doing a good job as a mom for letting Tyler be who he wanted to be. That set me off and the tears were flowing again.

So who, exactly, is Tyler now? I'm not even sure. This is a journey we will take one day at a time, but my eyes have been opened up and I've seen the pure joy on his face when letting him embrace his My Little Ponies, twirling in his dress, and wearing his princess crown. Whatever gender Tyler chooses to identify with, I support him 100%. I am proud of him and I love him immensely. Oh, and by the way, gender identity and sexual orientation are two completely different subjects. At this time, since Tyler is only 5 years old, we are not exploring those "labels". Whether or not he will be gay, straight, bi, or something else, is not important right now, and regardless, that is HIS choice and not ours to judge.

To those who don't agree with this decision to let Tyler explore and be who he wants, I say you may kindly remove yourselves from our lives. If you choose to be nosy anyway and make nasty comments about Tyler, and/or the way he is raised behind our backs, that's your prerogative, but it will not change a thing about the way we feel, and I certainly won't be losing any sleep over the naysayers and the nastiness that I'm sure may come about because of this. I'll have plenty more to write about and share regarding this journey, but for now, here you have it. Tyler's "coming out" story. If anyone does have any questions, please feel free to ask me. I don't mind answering!

In the meantime, until I blog again (hopefully sooner rather than later), I've included some links to resources for anyone who wants to educate themselves on this subject. (See paragraph 2!). And I ask that "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all".

Ryland's Story (a YouTube video):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yAHCqnux2fk

Genderspectrum.org (a great site full of many resources to educate family, friends, and anyone seeking more depth on the subject of gender):
http://www.genderspectrum.org

A quick link to FAQ on the Gender Spectrum website:
https://www.genderspectrum.org/about/faq

PFLAG National:
http://www.pflag.com

Can't sleep.

This blog for all intensive purposes is supposed to be my weight loss blog... But since I can't sleep, and I'm having a big, overwhelming moment of mushy mom cheesiness, I need to get it out.

I was just thinking of my boys, and how proud I am to be their mom. And how scared I was when I got pregnant with the twins that I wouldn't be able to love another baby as much as I loved Tyler, or that I would love Tyler less. How silly was I... Little did I know I would have not one but TWO more babies to love, and that your heart doesn't shrink, it grows... Immensely. And the love I had for Tyler did change, but in a good way. I love him now as my "big boy" and treasure the first 2 1/2 years of it just being him, and learning how to be a mom with him. He taught me a lot (and still does) and amazes me all the time. As much as he has been driving me up a wall lately, he is a good, sweet kid... And when he comes up and wants a hug or a kiss and says "mama, I love lou (you) TOO MUCH!" it makes my whole day.

Jack was Baby A of the twins, and if you want to be technical, the middle child. He spent the longest time in the NICU. When he came home he was so tiny, and I feel like I took a little bit of extra care with him because of how small he was. My love for him is fierce. And now he has grown and is bigger than Noah, and one would never be able to tell he was my tiny man and spent so long in the hospital after being born. His silly laugh and big smiles and handsome eyes with the long eyelashes are just lovable and amazing. I love cuddling his baby chub and playing with his soft baby hair. He is my handsome handsome man.

Noah is my spunky little dude. He is always smiling and you can't help but smile back at him, especially with those bright blue eyes and his huge grins. He has always been the happy and jovial one of the twins (although Jack seems to be becoming more of a ham these days too!) but Noah is just very sunshiny and easygoing. The love I have for Noah just feels like giant arms trying to wrap around the whole world. He is smaller than Jack, but he is tiny and mighty. He is my sweetie pea. I am secretly obsessed with his long baby toes.

All 3 of my boys mean the world to me and then some. I can't imagine my life without them... I am so proud to be their mom, to be A mom, to have been blessed with these children. We had just finished giving them all a bath earlier and Jon and I had all the boys changed into their pajamas and they were just crawling around (or in Tyler's case, running around) our bedroom, and Jon had the Disney station playing on Pandora on my iPad. "You've Got a Friend in Me" was playing, and I was laying on my stomach on the floor looking at my husband and sons and thinking how perfect that particular moment was, how I want to remember it forever. Watching my smiling boys, looking at my amazing husband, and feeling like for those few minutes, that was absolute perfection.

And it's because of those boys that I need to get healthier and work out, so I blog here. And I start again in the morning. And I hope I get more than 2 hours of consecutive sleep tonight, but even if I do get up to comfort one of the babies at night, I will snuggle them a little longer, give them an extra kiss, because I know they won't be my little babies forever.

Off to a rough start.

So much for starting off on the right foot today. I could have done better... But I chose to bake cookies and eat them instead. I did get outside and take leaves today so I did some yard work... But I didn't go for a walk that I wanted to go on for a while now. Hopefully tomorrow I WILL walk.

This is going to be a pretty short entry, as my mind is elsewhere right now, and I am tired. I'm sure as soon as I hit the sheets and get comfortable, one of the twins will be up, as usual. It's like they can sense that I'm ready to crash and they insist that I get no sleep at all. *sigh* I seriously think lack of sleep is also contributing to my weight issues, but I'm not sure, and some might say I'm making another excuse.

Meh.